Question What is the criteria for selecting a spouse?
AnswerPraise be to Allah (عَزَّوَجَلَّ) alone.
The wise Muslim must seek in this world everything that will help him to attain happiness and bliss in the hereafter. The most important help and support is righteous company. This begins from choosing choosing pious friends, as the Prophet ﷺ enjoined: “Do not keep company with anyone but a believer.” Narrated by Abu Dawood (4832); Classed As Hassan (good) by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Jaami‘.
Similarly a righteous wife as a company for life should be selected. The righteous wife is one who is good in many aspects.
She is the one who will guard her chastity and her honor in the husband’s presence and absence, and be diligent with regards to both minor and major sins.
Allah (عَزَّوَجَلَّ) says in His Book:“So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in [the husband’s] absence what Allah would have them guard.” [An-Nisaa’ 4:34].
In Surah At-Tahrim, Allah (عَزَّوَجَلَّ) states:”Perhaps his Lord, if he divorced you [all], would substitute for him wives better than you – submitting [to Allah], believing, devoutly obedient, repentant, worshipping, and traveling – [ones] previously married and virgins.” [AtTahrim:5]First, a righteous wife is obedient to Allah (عَزَّوَجَلَّ). She knows what she is supposed to do with regards to her dealings. In Surah AnNur, Allah (عَزَّوَجَلَّ) asks the believing women that they should “lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments,” and also that they “should not strike their feet in order to draw attention to their hidden ornaments” [An-Nur:31].
She is the one who is of good character and has good manners. She is not known for foul speech, meanness or bad manners; rather she is good-natured, pure of soul and clean of heart. She speaks in a gentle manner and treats people kindly. More important than all of that, she accepts advice and listens to it attentively and wholeheartedly; She is not one of those who is used to arguing stubbornly and arrogantly.
One of the scholars said, “The best of women is the one who, if she is given she is grateful, and if she is deprived she is patient; you feel happy when you look at her, and she obeys you if you instruct her to do something.”
Concerning that, the Prophet ﷺ said: “Choose the one who is religiously-committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).” Narrated by Al-Bukhaari (4802) and Muslim (1466).
The righteous wife is the one whom you see is serious about caring for and raising your children, teaching them Islam, good manners and the Qur’an, and instilling in them love for Allah (عَزَّوَجَلَّ), love for His Messenger ﷺ and the love of good for people. Her main concern is not what they may attain in this world of prominence, wealth and degrees; Rather she is concerned that they should attain a high level of piety, religious commitment, good character and knowledge.
In addition to all of that, the Muslim should choose a wife who gives him comfort when he sees her, and he feels joy in his heart when she is present, so she fills his house and his life with ease, joy and happiness.
In the Qur’an, Allah (عَزَّوَجَلَّ) calls the relationship of marriage as a means of providing comfort. “And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” [Ar-Rum:21]It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (رَضِيَ ٱللَّٰهُ عَنْهُ) said: It was said: O Messenger of Allah, what type of wife is best? He said: “The one who makes (her husband) happy when he looks at her, and she obeys him if he instructs her to do something, and she does not do anything with regard to herself or his wealth in a manner of which he does not approve.”
Narrated by Ahmad (2/251); classed as hasan (good) by al-Albaani in as-Silsilah as-Saheehah (1838).
Ayesha (رَضِيَ ٱللَّٰهُ عَنْهُ) was asked, “Which type of woman is best?” She said, “The one who does not know about saying bad things, and she is not crafty like men; her focus is on adorning herself for her husband and taking care of her family.”
See: Muhaadaraat al-Udaba’ by ar-Raaghib al-Asfahaani (1/410); ‘Uyoon al-Akhbaar by Ibn Qutaybah (1/375).
And Allah (عَزَّوَجَلَّ) knows best.
